The XMen's Day Off
by Double Oh Behave
Summary: The x-men have a normal day. Contains slashyaoi hints and is rated for...well, you'll see. just don't read it unless you're well adjusted. Flamers will be fed to Ariadne the spider queen


The X-Men's dayorf  
  
One day, Juggernaut decided to go shopping…  
  
Juggernaut: (Stomps through glass doors causing small earthquakes with each step) Now! What do I need!? (Looks at tiny list) Ah, yes! Milk! (Picks a basket up and stomps of into the aisles) Hey! You! (Grabs Unfortunate Employee Number 1) Where's the milk!?  
U.E.N.1: (Terrified) Over there!  
Juggernaut: Thank you! You've been a very big help!  
  
Meanwhile, over at the Xavier Mansion…

Prof. X: Scott. Assemble the X-Men, we have a problem. Juggernaut is on another rampage.  
Cyclops: So? What do you expect me to do? I'm just a boring, arrogant berk.  
Jean: I look too much like Ginger Spice to be any use.  
Kitty: I'm, like totally, practicing my totally annoying voice, like aren't I just the most annoying?  
Kurt: I'm too bizy practicing mein comedy accent.  
Rogue: Ah cahnt be bothered. Ah have to learn ta talk like Penelope Pitstop before Frahday.  
Storm: I'm too boring. I'm only here now as a cameo. I won't be appearing again.  
Spyke: And I'm the biggest rip-off in the history of rip-offs. I also have the worst hairdo on earth and I don't deserve to live. I'm only in this so the Author can kill me violently.  
Prof. X: Well, where are the new recruits?   
Cyclops: We don't know, but we heard some weird noises coming from Berzerker's room.  
  
(Outside Berzerker's room)  
  
Prof. X: Berzerker! Are you in there? (Hears moaning coming from said mutant's room. Someone cries 'oh, bobby…') Ray! Is Iceman in there with you?  
Ray: (after a long pause) Yes.  
Prof. X: Well hurry up and get out here.  
Ray: No.   
Prof. X: Why not?  
Multiple man: We're busy. Oh!  
Prof. X: How are you busy?  
Iceman: We're just…unh, yeah, that's it, Jamie, nice and slow…just…studying.  
Berzerker: Yeah, you like that, jamie? Nice and hard, huh? You like it rough, don't you?  
Jamie: Ah! Please…harder…   
Prof. X: Who's we?  
Iceman: Me, ray, cannonball and Jamie. Jamie's showing us his…ah!…cloning technique. (Five voices simultaneously cry 'Oh, god!')   
Prof. X: Hmph! Fine. Logan, ready the X-Jet. It looks like we'll have to do this ourselves.  
Logan: Alright, Charles, even though I'm so dull that if my personality were any less colourfull I'd be invisible.  
  
At the brotherhood house…  
  
Lance: I miss Pietro…  
Toad: Hey…where'd Blob go?  
Lance: He went out to eat.  
  
A ritzy restaurant…  
  
Chef: (Looks up as Blob enters) Oh, shit! It's Mr. Dukes!   
(Blob waddles over to a table as the waiter approaches.)  
Waiter: Good afternoon monsieur, 'ow are we today?  
Blob: Better.  
Waiter: Better?  
Blob: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.  
Waiter: Ah, Gaston! One bucket for monsieur. (Gaston obediently goes to get a bucket.) Now, monsieur, would you care to see le menu? (Holds out menu and reels everything off.)  
Blob: I'll have the lot.  
Waiter: Oui. And 'ow would you like it, all mixed up togezzer in a bucket?  
Blob: Yeah, with the eggs on top. And don't skimp on the pate!  
Waiter: I wouldn't dream of it monsieur.  
  
(One very large meal later…)  
  
Waiter: And finaly monsieur, a waffer-thin mint.  
Blob: Sod off. I'm full.  
Waiter: Oh, monsieur, just one little mint…  
Blob: Look. I'm full up. I can't eat any more.  
Waiter: Oh, just one. It's only waffer-thin.  
Blob: oh…allright.  
Waiter: (Pops the mint into Blob's mouth, then runs and dives through the serving hatch into the kitchens where he watches with horrid fascination. Blob begins to swell. He gets steadily bigger and bigger until…BOOM…he blows up.)  
Mystique: (disguised as the restaurant owner) I knew it! I knew Magneto was up to something! He's trying to blow me up! He wants to make a necklace out of my teeth! And they all said I was paranoid…  
  
Magneto's secret base…  
  
Magneto: Standing in the main dome-room type thing with quicksilver, Pyro, Gambit, and Collossus) RIGHT!!! TODAY WE ARE GOING TO BE MARCHING HUP AND DOWN THE ROOM!!! UNLESS OF COURSE YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING BETTER TO DO!!!  
Pietro: Uh…dad?  
Magneto: WHAT!?   
Pietro: I, uh…don't really want to march.  
Magneto: DON'T WANT TO MARCH!? ALL RIGHT THEN! WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE DOING!?  
Pietro: Well, to be honest, I'd rather be at home with Lance.  
Magneto: WOULD YOU NOW!? (Pietro nods) RIGHT, OFF YOU GO! (Pietro speeds off.) NOW! EVERYONE ELSE HAPPY WITH MY PLAN OF MARCHING HUP AND DOWN THE ROOM!?  
Gambit: ah, boss.  
Magneto: WHAT!?  
Gambit: I'm, er…learning the piano…  
Magneto: (Outraged) LEARNING THE PIANO?!!! AND I SUPPOSE YOU WANNA GO AND PRACTISE, EH!? RIGHT, OFF YOU GO!  
Collossus: There's a film I'd like to see.  
Pyro: And I haven't been shopping in a while.  
Magneto: WELL GO THEN! (They leave) RIGHT! MAGNETO MARCHIN HUP AND DOWN THE ROOM THEN!  
Author: But however things may seem, Magneto knew his men were always ready for anything.  
Magneto: RUBBISH!!!  
Author: Shhh. Anyway, back with Juggernaut, now.  
  
Juggernaut: (Stomps out to his car as the X-Jet lands and Xavier gets out) Charles!  
Prof. X: Kane! You have to stop this rampage. You're harming innocent people.  
Juggernaut: Rampage!? I'm not rampaging! I'm just shopping! Here! I got you a magazine! (Gives Prof. X a copy of 'Psychic's Weekly')  
Prof. X: Oh. Thank you, Kane. Come on, Logan. Let's go see if Spyke's dead yet.  
Logan: I'm with you, Charles, although I'm the most emotionless, humourless man on earth.  
  
At the mansion…  
  
Spyke: (Outside Berzerker's room) Hey guys? (Opens door and is hit by blasts of lightening and ice. He is instantly dead.  
Cannonball: That'll teach him. (Turns back to the two Jamie's beneath him.) Now where were we?  
  
Author: And so we draw our story to a close, but first the moral, because it just wouldn't be x-men without some kind of nauseating, vomit-enducing moral. The moral is basically this: Never mix 3.am and X-men Evolution with large quantities of sugar. Face it, this fic is nothing but aural vomit, pure trash. But, this is the end of the fic. And now here are some completely gratuitous lemon scenes to annoy the censors and hopefully spark some controversy.  
  
Iceman moaned softly as Jamie kissed the tip of his erection before taking the whole length into his mouth, sucking gently.  
  
Berzerker growled, pounding into the slender body beneath him even harder, relishing the clone-boy's howls of pleasure.  
  
Cannonball sighed, tangling his hands into the thick hair either side of his erection as the two clones worked him relentlessly.  
  
The remaining clone writhed on the spare bed with the original Jamie Madrox, both of them whimpering and gasping.


End file.
